Buzzlync’s Parallel Universe Machine

Now, here at Buzzlync, we would never claim to have a great grasp of scientific concepts, or equations, or even to be particular fans of science fiction … but purely by chance, we do have an impressive piece of machinery in the Buzzlync offices, which allows us to open a myst erious portal to other worlds, and view multiple realities at the flick of a switch.

 

And no, we don’t know where it came from. It was here when we moved in.

 

You’re probably wondering what the hell I’m talking about, right? Well, let me give you a demonstration. We’ll take a familiar situation and setting, feed it into the machine, flick the switch, and see how it plays out in two different universes.

 

Right. Here’s our set-up:

 

“You’re going out with some friends, and everyone’s decided to meet up at your place before the night officially begins.”

 

And here’s what happens next …

 

*****

 

UNIVERSE ONE: You’re going out to get wasted, right? Booze, booze, and more booze! So, why not have a few before you head out, get loosened up, and save a bit of money? That bar charges far too much anyway, and most of the bar staff have done time. Anyway, “Party!”

 

UNIVERSE TWO: Why do you need to head out? You’ve got some pretty impressive chronic right here at home, you’ve got snacks, you’ve got good company. Why don’t you all just get in a circle, put on some good tunes, and chill? It’ll be cheaper, and you won’t have to worry about that expensive bar with the worrying reputation. Why do we even go there? It’s terrifying.

 

UNIVERSE ONE: Yay! You’re finally heading out to that bar you hate. One of you has even decided to be the designated driver. Good call, but there’s not enough space in his car for all of you. Never mind, your little brother Gary’s only had a couple. He can still drive, or so he tells you. But what hell? It’s Saturday. You’re young. You’re invincible. Half of your friends go in Gary’s car. You go in the other car. It’s all good.

 

 

UNIVERSE TWO: You’re already having a good time. Things are starting to seem extremely funny, and everything’s right with the world. The worst thing that’s happened up to now is that you’ve got a serious case of the munchies, and Gary’s passed to the right rather than the left. For fuck’s sake, Gary, have you never heard of herb etiquette?

 

UNIVERSE ONE: Hey! You’re at the bar! Get those drinks in, man. Tequila shots? Why not? Again? Well, it’d be rude not to. OK, the car with Gary and your friends hasn’t shown up yet, but hey: “You snooze, you lose”. They’ll just have to catch up when they arrive.

 

Ow. Some guy just barged past you, hitting your shoulder on his way to the restroom. Probably a mistake. Don’t let it ruin your night.

 

UNIVERSE TWO: Gary’s tolerance has never been great. He’s already checking out for the night, but that’s cool. You escort him to the nearest couch, while he’s giggling like a lunatic. But you love your little brother. Everyone does. And it is funny. In fact, now everyone’s laughing. It’s like Laurel and Hardy, but with more smoke and profanity.

 

Probably time for some food. Maybe you should order something via Buzzlync? After all, you have absolutely no problem with product placement.

 

UNIVERSE ONE: You’re seriously drunk now. Gary’s car still hasn’t arrived, and that guy who barged past you a while ago is giving you an unpleasant look from across the bar. You try to ignore him, but soon enough he’s there, in your group, in your face, coming on to one of your friends. She tells him to leave her alone, but he’s drunk, loud, aggressive. You step in, and that’s when he hits you. You try to defend yourself, and your friends take your corner. And then his friends step in.

 

What a great night.

 

UNIVERSE TWO: Fuck, man, is pizza just the best thing in the world or what? OK, not as great as fried chicken, but luckily, you’ve got both. You say a secret prayer to the Gods of swiftly delivered fast food. And if you’re eating classic stoner food, then maybe it’s time to watch a classic stoner movie.

You’re full, you’re high, you’re surrounded by people you love. Everything’s right with the world.

 

UNIVERSE ONE: You’re outside the bar, trying to stem the flow of blood from your nose with a wad of tissue paper. One of your friends was attacked by a broken bottle from one of the aggressive guy’s equally aggressive friends, but the paramedics are dealing with him now, while your other friends deal with their own cuts and bruises. Your friend who was harassed is completely shaken. It was on the verge of sexual assault, and although the fight stopped it developing any further, it’s done nothing to ease her mind.

 

You get the feeling she’ll be very nervous about leaving the house again for a while.

 

And Gary’s car still hasn’t arrived. Where the hell are they? Could this night get any shittier?

 

UNIVERSE TWO: You’re mopping up ketchup from your white t-shirt. Shit. You only bought it a couple of days ago. Oh, well, there are worst things in the world, and this is turning into one of the most enjoyable, chilled out evenings of your life.

 

Could this night get any better?

 

UNIVERSE ONE: The police have been at the bar for quite some time. The bar staff called them as the fight kicked off, and they got here just in time to break things up before any real damage occurred. “Oh, well, you think. Nobody’s that badly hurt. At least we all survived.”

 

And then your mobile rings. You look at the screen. It’s Gary. Thank God for that!

 

But it’s not Gary. It’s a cop.

 

For a moment, you’re completely confused. The cops are over there, so why are they on your phone too. If they wanted to talk to you, they could just walk over. There’s no need for them to phone you from Gary’s …

 

And then it hits you. Apparently, you were Gary’s emergency number. There was a crash. A serious crash. Gary lost control, slammed on his brakes, and skidded right underneath the rear of a truck. The cop tells you that your friends have been rushed to intensive care, but Gary was pronounced dead at the scene. Would you be able to come and identify the body?

 

Great night, huh?

 

 

UNIVERSE TWO: You can’t beat a good Cheech and Chong movie, can you? Shall we spark up that bong, put another album on, and go again? There’s a moments silence, during which Gary suddenly laughs like a hyena on helium. It’s such a stupid sound that it makes everyone else laugh too. You do love your little brother, and it’s great that you get on so well. Some siblings don’t, you see, and you feel sorry for them. Life just wouldn’t be the same without Gary.  In fact, it’d be unbearable.

 

*****

 

Yikes. OK, that’s enough of that. I’ll just switch off this machine, throw a cup of cold coffee over the inner workings, and never switch it on again. If you’re reading this blog, then we pretty much know which universe you’d prefer to live in, but sadly not everyone tends to see this side of things. Maybe it’s time to introduce some of your friends and family to Universe Two, and once they’ve arrived then asked them to sign up to Buzzlync.

 

We’ll do our best to make sure they stay safe.

 

 

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